How I procrastinated on my feelings for over 10 years.
It started when in primary school when I did say “no” to my class teacher to “gardening” the reason for it was that I played for year violin before I even entered that school. As it is bad for the fingertips of a violinist to do “hard work” which involves manual work I said “no” to it straight away. Therefore I have made an enemy for myself form the first day of school. As expected I got purposely bad remarks and were bullied. Apparently, Germany has a “soccer propaganda” at schools as I was not the best in soccer and played rather a Basketball or did other sports like acrobatic or Skateboarding, I was always an outcast.
Some other reasons are, as my parents have monocular issues and are both visually impaired, so I have never taken a part-time job instead of I did have my piano, violin, guitar, and taekwondo classes. So I had rarely time to hang out after classes.
When I entered middle school, the interest of the majority has been shifted from soccer to dating and partying. This involved alcohol consumption. I never liked that Idea to date the opposite sex by being drunk and have a hangover. Therefore I distanced myself from it. Of course, the results were the same, I was the perfect target for bullying. Till the 9th grade or so I have been bullied close to daily. In high school, it also escalated close to calling the police.
Throughout the years I have learned things like “you bypass the sketchy guys from all sides” and other wisdom I have used to go away from trouble and trust no one but myself only. The second was the hardest one as I am more likely to trust in people. However, what I did not recognize is the pattern from where the bullies are operating from. Leaving Germany to live in Tokyo I hoped that I could say “far well” to my past self. Nevertheless, even their bullies have waited for me it was not that frequently and that harsh, however, I could no say that I have not encountered trouble of that kind. My first part-time job in a pub I have left after one week when one of the seniors just screamed at me and I just have thrown my apron in his face. I left without getting paid.
At that time I was not in the personal development world so I had no clue how to react that he would not scream at me, and when that he is the first person who comes and asks my forgiveness. However, as I was forced to return back to Germany and did my internship in Scottland, I have realized that I am more worth than that life I have lived till this point. I searched for solutions and have found a mastermind group. It was my first time in such a group, so It was overwhelming for me watching all these people obnoxiously screaming with happy faces. At some point, I was scared to been scammed again.
Going through several models and courses I have learned some conscious and unconscious patterns people might have on certain occasions. That one thing made me look deeper inside that matter. So I discovered that the feeling from which villains are operating is simply fear. Because of bullies are a hell of afraid showcasing their weaknesses and being vulnerable, their unconscious mind sensors the weakness of others. Once it has censored it, this becomes the root of bullying the victim. This scarce mindset if, used wrong creates more of victimized mindset people. Which is actually the same thing. The only difference is the approach. Bullies are bullying others just when they see that the target might have the potential to make them a victim.
This is the one thing I did procrastinate on is, expressing my feelings towards my bullies instead of being scared of their power. As I operated from a state of fear, I have attracted those who are making me fear. In short, I was not better than my bullies because they bullied me of their own fear.
Practical things I can use is simply getting out of that state of fear into the abundant one by using meditation, affirmation, state exercise and of course practice.
Other things like “pattern interrupted” by doing things the bullies do not expect ist also helpful.
So I hope you could have some value form that post. If so, make sure to share it with your loved one. Have an awesome day and as always:
Do not lie to yourself and pursue your passion, now!
by Alex Spat